It is hard to say if this is just me, as I only know my own thoughts and sometimes they are very loud and may drown out someone else's, but I seem to have a lot of strange notions about the world and my place in it. About twelve years ago I began to see my first big dream possibly becoming a reality. (Don't let me bore you if you already know the story, just skip on down to the new part.) I wanted to move to Colorado. When I was growing up I wanted to go there so badly I could taste it. Almost every calendar I chose for myself was of scenes dipicting America's landscape and I would wear out the crease on the pictures of Colorado. I bought a coffee table book, when I was in college and had no coffee table to place it on, of America. The oversized heavy book would fall open to the Colorado pages. I knew in my heart I had to go there, but not just visit, I wanted my address to read, Any City in COLORADO.
I got a job in Atlanta with a computer company who had an office in Denver. My first day on the job, as a temp, I knew I had to become a permanent employee with this company so I could be transferred to Colorado. My permanent position was supposed to come four weeks after I started, but it turned into five months. I never doubted that I would have the permanent position in Atlanta and I continued to dream and make plans for my move, even though I could not imagine what job I would get, as I only knew how to be an admin. I couldn't imagine the admin there ever giving up her job. Then I began to doubt, seeing myself as small and insignificant compared to the big, busy world full of so many people, would there be room for me in Colorado? Would someone meet me at the state line and tell me NO VACANCIES? Maybe people would think I didn't belong there, this was their territory and I had no business, with as little experience I had in the world, to think I could just move there and set up camp by myself without any other reason to be there except I wanted to be there. I used to worry about that like it was a real possibilty. I know that sounds weird, but that was how I thought. I remember I freaked out before college graduation thinking when I walked up on that stage to receive my diploma, that the president would make me take a test and turn me away if I answered any question wrong. I didn't believe I knew enough to have earned that diploma. I didn't feel I knew enough to start a journey on my own in the world and I thought the world knew it. So five months after I began to work for that company in Atlanta, I found out the admin in the Colorado office was moving and I couldn't believe it my dream was coming true. I knew there had to be room for me. I'd just have to trust that there would be room for me. Seven months later on my thirtieth birthday I found my new apartment in Lakewood and I lived in Colorado for eight years and I learned my fear had been so silly.
For a couple of years now I have revisited that same silly fear, knowing full well this time, how silly it is, but never-the-less, here I have been eating meals with it and sleeping beside it at night. I believed the rejection letters I received and I did not make any further effort to send my manuscript out again. I felt I needed to make changes to conform it to today's most competitive markets. It sat in my room for four more years. Then this summer, I thought, why am I believing them? Did I not learn anything from moving to Colorado? In my silly mixed up notions, I had subconciously been waiting for a man to come into my life and we would get married and move to Colorado and live happily ever after. But waiting for something to happen on someone else's terms can be a long wait. If I wanted something to happen, I had to start it on my own. So this summer, I took a leap of faith and decided to self-publish my book.
The Dating Dilemmas of Delilah Dunnfield is the title of my book. Delilah is a woman who is looking for a man and finds herself instead. The cover design is in its second revision and I just received the manscript back two days ago with their revisions. The editor gave me a little review and said my book is "funny, touching, and inspiring." She gave me hope that there is room in this world for me and my books. I love my friends and family so much and appreciate their encouragement that got me this far, but sometimes it is the stranger who can break through a wall of doubt.
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